Never would of thought

I'm sitting here thinking. I never thought I'd have to be on meds. Of any type. First it started with depression and anxiety... Then bi polar and anxiety. Then my back got messed up so start on pain meds. At one time I was on over 10-15 pills a day before pain meds. Eventually I've stabilized the depression (getting rid of useless man-baggage never being good enough). My anxiety is medicated as is my bi polar. Then the pain meds kept not working tho I was still taking them. Then being diagnosed with RA. So another med added for that. Finally my doctor reduced the Vicodin. My organs thank him. He put me on MS Contin instead of the dosage of Vicodin I was taken. I now take 9 pills over a 24 hour period (not counting otc) MS Contin 2x a day, Vicodin 3x a day as needed. 1 Ra med a day, 1 anxiety med a day. 2 bipolar med a day. My pain levels are stabilized finally. I'm hoping one day to reduce the pain meds once the RA is under control.... Hopefully without killing my immune system. Hopefully... Now if I could quit smoking that'd be great. One day at a time... One step at a time.

FINALLY!

Weeeee. I should write more on this. So I finally saw a rheumatologist who finally believes what I'm feeling.the last 2 weeks I've been on Arava and 2 weeks of steroids before that. So far my hands still hurt, but NOT on a daily basis. YAY!!! I still have to take the vicodin, but it actually works along with the Arava. Hoping at my next appointment (17 Sept) she'll put me on Embral, or something similar to augment it. Here is hoping that by the new year, i'm 95% off narcotics, and feeling better, and maybe losing weight!! (HEY i can dream can't i?)

The pain from within.

Sometimes I wonder why me. This weekend I helped a friend move... And by help I mean I put dishes in a box, out a box and put books on 1 shelf. My lovely kids did help, but it still made me feel useless in this body. It's broken, I'm broken HOW am I suppose to move myself if I can't help someone else. Whatever or whomever I pissed off now or in a previous life I'm sorry, I get it. Punish me with pain that I caused you... But please make it stop, I can't deal anymore. I cant drink, the pills flush me and I feel like I'm 150 degrees. Minnesota passed a anal tight medical marijuana bill but pain sufferers don't matter because we are faking it. Thanks to whoever made that bill, with the way too many rules while those of us in pain kill ourselves on narcotics. YES some people fake it, but I think those of us who are actual in pain we don't need to fake it... And those drug seeking will be easier to find passing medical marijuana for us. Why you may ask, easy because the seekers are seeking a narcotic high, not a pot high! So you offer them the medical marijuana to counteract their pain (and making withdrawal go away, and real pain also is less addicting) they will whine it doesn't work and will beg harder for narcotics. Boom you found a seeker. Because they'll do anything for their narcotic fix. NOW I realize some can't smoke weed, fine but still you won't have to doctor shop ( like seekers do ) because your doctor knows you! I'm take a joint a day for pain and sleep, then 12 narcotics a day. These will kill me, slowly from the inside out. Come on Minnesota get on the ball! Help us pain sufferers, let us be pain free!!!

Okay I'm finished, love you guys til next time!

A good reason for medical marijuana.

I'm just on my way back from michigan. I had fun hanging out with friends. Pain, and stress made me forget to pick up my refills before my trip. NOT good. taking 10mg/15mg every 4 hours damn near around the clock, was working but slowly killing me. So what do you do with 8 norco and not gunna be home for 7 days. Well i'll tell you. You have amazing friends who help you ween. why can 't i do this at home, well i COULD, if minnesota had medical grade marijuana. from 12 norco a day, to barely 1 & 1/2 norco a day, pain is very low (obviously the effects are still in my body working. I've been taking these pain meds for 6 years. from norco, vicodin, percecet. valium, flexoril etc. my body is decaying from the inside out with pain. I'll still need my pain meds, but at least i've normalized my intake. Its a 12 hour train ride to 'detox' again.I had no upset stomach, rebound pain, confusion. NO withdrawal symptoms.. i was only taking 1/2 of a 7.5/750. twice a day! Now i get some people can't detox off of drugs with drugs.  but i think medical grade marijuana is a hell of alot better for me, then pills that are rotting my liver, and damaging  my kidneys. i feel less painful at least, but  because of my trip back, i have taking a full 10mg tab. and so far its working! (trip TO mich. was so painful i lost count how many pills i swallowed to counteract it)

A life less hurt.

What would you do, to have a life less hurt?

Would you suffer, and just think this is the hand I was dealt?

Would you search for what was wrong with you to the ends of the earth?

Would you cry a little, when you take a med that makes you feel better, but others judge you because of it?

Would you find a way to make the pain go away permanently?

Do you think I asked for it?

Do you think I'm faking it?

These are all questions I ask myself. Maybe one day I'll actually answer these but for now, I'll let it sit in and marinate.

Stigmata and the bull that it causes

What can one do to get rid of the stigmata that follows those of us who are riding this train? What do we do when the professionals who are suppose to help us, actually hurt us? It seems (to those watching the train go by) just stand up for yourself. It's not always that simple. If we talk back to a professional, we get labeled a "seeker". If we become their whipping boy/girl it becomes a horrible cycle. We get further into our depression, which can and will amplify our pain. Are you helping us by yelling at us? Calling us names? No you are just making us slide down a slippery slope which we hope someone is along the way to catch us before we fall too far. Remember those of us with legitimate pain we didn't ask for this. We didn't pray to whoever god or deity we believe in and go "Oh please bless me with pain" We're on pain meds! WE FORGET. WE gotta keep track of time & dose, so we keep our counts. We have loved ones help us, who have probably got a lot on their mind also!

I've been asked why I don't go to the ER. Burden. None of us want to be a burden to an already taxed system. I could probably be having a heart attack, I wouldn't go to the ER (or call 911) why? I've read what nurses say about those of us who go, and how we shouldn't be going. It's not as if there is a manual "when to go to the ER, Urgent Care or Wait" but then its my own issue. I REFUSE TO BE MADE FELT LIKE SHIT ANYMORE. I've been made felt like a pile of shit by the ER, and random care doctors at the clinic i go to. I only trust a VERY SMALL handful. This is for my OWN sanity, for if I didn't, I'd be worm food.

Of course now i'm on Norco's. (with the government trying to lessen our dependency on Acetaminophen. Let me tell you, Dear Company who made these. They look like Cinnamon Candy i use to eat when i was in high school. the ones with a "share" side and a "your" side. White with red flecks. Much to my disappointment they weren't Cinnamon flavor :P

Pain in the butt that I am

Everyone has different levels of pain. Somedays for me are easier then others. Sometimes I just wish my body would stop hurting, but 10+ years of living in pain, with joints that sting at times, just isn't what I had planned for myself.

Today for example is a bad pain day. I tried to ride it out but the pain just keeps getting worse. People ask "why not go to the ER" yes. why don't I go. Being labeled unfairly by the ER in my city is the main reason I refuse to go. Quite a few nurses who work there who know me, know I'm not faking it. It took 1 doctor, JUST ONE DOCTOR to label me a faker. I've seen my file. I could probably have a heart attack in my own home, and wouldn't go to the ER, for fear of not getting treated equally. I've refused pain meds in the ER before, but still am labeled a 'seeker'. Lets get one thing straight. IF I was a seeker, the ER (you know that place where people go for help) would not be MY 1st choice.  Anyway, I got sidetracked, but you get the idea. (ALL the nurses at my ER are WONDERFUL aside from 1. I can't beat that record. Lucky for me my sister chewed her a new asshole after I had my back surgery.)

I wish I had a big ol' Bathtub I could sit in hot water and soak my hurt away. Tho I know it'll only be temporary it'd still be better then gritting my teeth hoping my pills work. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't. I just ride it out.

I ask myself why me alot. What did I do in a past life to deserve this. I wanted the white picked fence dream. A guy who'd care about me and want to be with me the rest of my life. Sickness and health. Obviously the guy I was with rather stick his dick in a woman he made fun of to me, while I was sick.

Deep breath. I got 3 wonderful kids, who are the most caring souls imaginable. My Siy who's always been there for me. I got my chickypoo who's my friend again. I got a boyfriend who drives me insane, but i love him. A parent who loves me regardless of how much of a pain in the ass I can be. If it wernt for these 7 people, I'd of picked worm food.

If you are reading this, and someone you love suffers from chronic pain, or they are depressed, or they just feel like a fat piece of shit in their own body at times, don't treat them like shit. It doesn't help. Its counter productive. If you can't handle the heat, get outta the kitchen, instead of throwing gasoline on the fire.

Anyway that's enough for today. I had to get that off my chest.